Merry Christmas ... in 57 simple steps.

Christmas is a time many parent dread because it involves unpacking children's toys (practically impossible) and assembling children's toys (virtually impossible).  But, as it has been pointed out before, Virg and Daddy can fix/assemble anything with ease.  But how, you ask?  Virg can tell you that there are three simple steps.  First, throw away the instructions, they will only lead to frustration and confusion.  Second, and this is the most important, improvise.  The pictures on the box are only one persons interpretation of what the toy should look like once completely assembled.  Finally, learn to live in an imperfect world.  Sure, there are five to ten peaces you didn't use when building the toy.  It's called conservation, so congratulations, you're saving the world.  And if anyone comments on why it doesn't look like it does on the box, just tell them "Because the toy isn't selling awesome, you have to add that yourself!"

Perfect, now hold still while I get the trebuchet. 

Luthier's apprentice

A wise man once said "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll find him on his boat every Sunday, drinking beer, wishing you'd given him more than one stinking fish"... or something along those lines.  However, if you teach that same man to play the banjo, he'll sing you an up beat song about how you did him wrong, and how he ended up standing at the edge of the river, holding the last train ticket for a town called Heartbreak.  Virg and Daddy have found that the banjo has a magical ability to make the most depressing, sad, and vengeful songs sound like the happiest music on earth.  Virg may not have the money for a new banjo, but luckily Virg and Daddy can fix anything.  They may even write a song about it.   

All this banjo needs is some TLC and a whack with a hammer!

Pumpkin whisperer

What should you carve on your pumpkin?  Just do what Virg and Daddy do. Let the pumpkin speak to you, and it will tell you what to do.  It's simple, just stare at the pumpkin until you start to hear voices, then you grab a knife and start stabbing and slashing.  It's wholesome fun for the whole family and really gets you into the spirit of Halloween.  It helps if you eat loads of candy and get yourself a massive sugar rush first.  Although Virg and Daddy found that extra caution is needed when you're holding a pumpkin carving knife and have artistic differences as to what the pumpkin is telling you.  Your pumpkin will end up looking like it has a split personality.

The large fruit says Virg is super cute as Pooh Bear...

the large fruit is the pumpkin in this case, not Daddy.



Home Depot - The happiest place on earth!

Why in the world would Daddy go to Toys 'R Us to get a small, plastic, cheep version of what Virg really wants.  Now hold on, before you go dialing Child Protection Service, we didn't go and buy Virg a new 2011 8360R John Deere Tractor (with Premium CommandView II Cab and Active Seat).  However Daddy may consider a very sweet John Deere riding lawn mower.  The thing has a cup holder!  How in the world could anything go wrong if Virg had a nice cold sippy cup of milk by his side.  Daddy may not remember his high school physics (or anything at all from the four year blur called college), but there is most definitely a law of physics about a person's safety increasing proportionately to the proximity to milk, or a cow that gives milk.  Yup, it has something to do with Diamagnetism and frogs.

Do they have one with a HEMI?

The guitar is dead... long live the guitar!

A cigar box guitar is to a musician as a samurai sword is martial artist.  Everyone wants one after they see it, everyone looks cool holding one, but very few people actually know how to use one.  It's doesn't matter if you know all the theory, if you know all the chords and scales, or if you can play Cliffs of Dover from memory.  Virg understands this.  Virg tells the guitar how he feels at his core, and the guitar becomes his evangelist.  The cigar box guitar is a megaphone for Virg's soul.

 I've got those low down, no raisins blues.

Feeding Time!

It's hard work being a brother.  The time commitment was more than Virg expected, but he has to constantly remind Mommy and Daddy that it's time to change the baby or time to feed the baby.  Mommy seems to have a better time at understanding what's needed.  Daddy just kind of stands there with a glassy look in his eye's saying "The baby is crying again!"... Thanks Daddy, like we couldn't have figure that one out with your extraordinary talent of stating the obvious.

No No Daddy, do it like this.  It's all in the wrist.

Why so serious?

It was a morning like any other.  Daddy had a full night sleep (No I didn't!), and everyone woke up at a reasonable hour (How is 4:30 AM reasonable?)  Virg and Daddy had one of the yummiest and nutritious breakfasts a person could ask for (Oh! I think I could ask for more than stale Cheerios and Kix!).  Then the unthinkable happened.  A tragic peanut butter and jelly accident scarred Virg for life (No actually, the jelly came right off with a wet paper towel.  Virg is fine.)  Virg then turned to a life of crime, and from that day forth the world would shudder any time they heard his name (Um, actually, we just went outside to play in the sand and then took a nap.  Who's in charge of this blog!  None of this is true and it's all ridiculously over dramatized.)  Tragically, the Daddy died and nobody even noticed (That's it! This blog post is over!).

Daddy, you're so grumpy when I don't let you sleep.  Smile!

I see the light at the end of the tunnel now

Someone please tell me it's not a train. When daddy pulls out the train tracks to play with Virg, we may get as elaborate as an oval track.  Nothing that takes up too much space, or that you could trip over, or that takes too long to make.  In other words... boring.  But when Virg's grandpa comes to visit, it's a different story.  First, you can say goodbye to the dining room.  It's now the train yard.  All the tracks must be utilized, even the tricky bridges and switch tracks that Daddy always avoids by saying "Those don't work. Let's put those back."  It's a virtual entertainment landmine of trains, tracks and fun.

Can we keep it this way - we don't really need this room!

What're you rebelling against?

It always happens this way.  The boys grow up, get some wheels of their own and all of the sudden they give you nothing but attitude.  Now that Virg has his red tricycle, all he wants to do is cruise up and down the lawn, looking at his parents like they don't know what's what.  Daddy tried to talk to him about the responsibilities of being a man.  Virg needs to get a job and contribute to society.  Stop all this daydreaming, and come back to reality.  Maybe program a sentient being that will bring order to the Internet, or build a robot army to fight the inevitable zombie epidemic of the future.

What am I rebelling against?  Whaddya got? ... does it have cheese?

Moss Guy, episode 263

There was a movie back in 1982 that you may recall.  It had something to do with a brilliant scientist, a swamp, a damsel in distress, and a monstrous thing.  Can't remember the name.  It was something like 'Swamp Guy' or 'Moss Thing'.  If I remember correctly, the main character was super smart (just like Virg), had a yard that needed a lot of upkeep (just like Virg), and 101 reasons not to do any yard word (just like Daddy).  Grass is overrated anyhow.  Moss is soft, free, and doesn't require any time to maintain.  Besides, I don't want Virg wasting all his time maintaining a beautiful, lush lawn.  I'm doing this for the children!  Won't someone think of the children! 

The moss is calling out to you Daddy... it says keep up the good work!

Too hot to handle

When life throws you lemons, RUN!... Don't try and make lemon juice or look for some hidden optimistic reasoning behind the barrage of lemons.  You have lemons being thrown at you, just run... run you fool!  Once you have a safe distance between you and the lemon cannons, sit back, fill up a kiddie pool with your favorite beverage and relax.  You just survived an attack that very few have ever seen and even fewer have probably survived.  Have you ever heard anyone recount their harrowing escape from the Lemon Army Front or LAF.  I didn't think so!

Virg + water + hint of lemon = Blockbuster Movie of 2012 

What to do when Virg turns two?

How about an apple tree?  Virg had a good time picking one out for his birthday.  Not a shrub or a bush or a hedge, but a tree.  A red jonagold apple dwarf to be precise.  It will be soooo cool.  We'll make apple pie, and hard cider, and apple sauce, and hard cider, and apple butter, and hard cider, and maybe even some apple cider.  It's the gift that keeps on giving... and giving and giving until you go blind.  It will be just like the Dukes of Hazzard.  Where Virg is Bo Duke and Emmett is Luke Duke and I'm Uncle Jesse getting in trouble with the law for making moonshine.  And NO... we will not be replacing Bo and Luke Duke with Coy and Vance Duke after three seasons!  That's just redunkulous.

 For my 3rd birthday I'd like a 1969 Dodge Charger please.
"Yeeeee-Haaa!"

Brothers

Mommy knows what it's like to have a younger sister. Sometimes there would be an argument about who got to wear what dress. Daddy knows what it's like to have older sisters. He also had arguments about wearing dresses. But neither of them know anything about having a brother. Virg is in new territory for this one. However Daddy is happy that there wont be any arguments about dresses... but if there are, Daddy can let them know that they should choose a sundress over a sheath or a shift any day (best to avoid anything without a waist seam).

My brother is awesome! We're going to teach Mommy and Daddy some new tricks!

The Bed Speech

Fathers! Mothers! Gather around, for The Virg has an important message that we must not ignore any longer. Is this a time when your sons and daughters should just lay down and sleep? No I say! No!! Now is the time when we must all rise up and play with trucks and blocks! You may say to me it is getting close to 8:00, but I say to you the specific time is not what is important, but rather what we do with the precious time we have right now! You may say to me that our PJ's are on, but I ask you who is more ON, the PJ's or The VIRG! The VIRG is way more ON! You may say Virg is starting to get a little crabby, but to that I say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I DON'T WANNA GO NIGH NIGH!!!

I believe there is a land beyond slumber,
and we can get there if we work together!!

The power of a booster

Virg has upgraded to Dinner Table 2.0 with the installation of a booster chair. They (the people who control the world) have often compared computer ram to a table. If you're computer is running on 8MB RAM it's like working on a table the size of a small notepad (not the cool new Apple iPad, but the old school paper ones). If you had a 100 terabytes of RAM you'd be working in the salt flats of Utah. Well Virg just upgraded his dinner table RAM. He's gone from a dinky 8MB high chair to at least a 50MB oak table. Now we can constantly have our Mac 'N Cheese program running even when we need to boot up the emergency graham cracker program. There's even extra room for Daddy's little martini app!

I would like to load the Apple Pie program please! myPie!

Dye Hard... boiled eggs

It is impossible to dye Easter eggs and only get color on just the egg. We can shoot a rocket to the moon, we can create a bomb that will wipe out a large city, and we can create a burrito that you can cook and eat in under two minutes (careful, it's hot!), but we cannot create an egg dying kit that will keep the dye off your fingers, out of your mouth, and confined to only the shell of an egg. And who thought up this tradition anyway? Was Jesus dying eggs at the last supper? What in the world does a bunny need with chicken eggs? Who in their right mind would hide a boiled egg. You better hope you find that thing, because it will stink like crazy a few weeks from now. Why does Virg get a chocolate bunny and Daddy doesn't? Do all of Virg's eggs have to look better then Daddies? Why did Virg get to dye more eggs them me?

This will be the coolest egg yet!

Don't worry Daddy, we'll say you made this one.

(click for more pics)

Ikea

First of all, don't even start with the whole "Oh why don't men ever read the directions?" Virg and Daddy don't need directions. A dresser is just a fancy box. We can put together a fancy box without some piece of paper telling us what to do! And second, Ikea directions don't even have words, so it's impossible to "read" them. It's just a bunch of pictures with arrows pointing from hex screw 'C' to board 'G'. And we don't need anyone telling us we can't use some extra glue and nails even though they are not pictured anywhere in the directions. It basically looks just like it did in the store... basically.

Daddy, I think this piece is on backwards, and upside down.

(Click for more pics)

The Virg-uper Bowl

What do Homer Simpson, Fred Flintstone, and The Big Lebowski all have in common with Virg. That's right, they are all sharp dressers! On an unrelated topic, Virg went bowling last weekend to celebrate his super awesome cool cousin's birthday. Virg was, without a doubt, the best bowler under three feet. Did he get a strike? Well of course he did. He took to the game like a moose to water, where the moose is Virg and the water is the game of bowling. So... very well.

I'll get a strike this time because this ball is totally Orange.

(click for more pics)

A white carnation

What is the significance of a single white carnation? Virg has pondered this question for Valentine's Day. There are many things people say they would get for the person they love. Some would say: "I love you so much, I'll give you the moon", but the moon is for everyone to enjoy. Others would say: "I love you so much, I'll give you an expensive jewel", but jewels can be lost or stolen. But all these things are only symbols for the love we so urgently want to share with the person we love. Love can not be displayed, put in a box, or lost. Every other gift we give pales in comparison to the love it represents. The white carnation is a simple, humble, and precious symbol of the love that we will never be able to completely express to the Love of our Life.

I love you Mommy!

Air Force Virg

Virg and Daddy went to the Boeing Museum of Flight last weekend. The whole time we were reenacting scenes from Top Gun. At first, Daddy was Maveric and Virg was Goose, but then Daddy remembered that Goose died or something. So then, Daddy was Maveric and Virg was Iceman, but then Daddy remembered that those two didn't get along very well. So then, Virg was Maveric and Daddy was Charlie, but Daddy didn't really like playing the female role. So then we started doing scenes from Air Force One. Virg was Harrison Ford as the president and Daddy was Mork from Ork. Daddy doesn't really remember that movie too well.

Daddy, I think that security officer would like us to get out of his plane.

(Click on Virg for more photos)

The cutting edge of technology... on clearance.

Virg was happy to hear that Daddy is going back to work next week. To get ready for the new job, Daddy got the best laptop money can buy... or rather, the best laptop that Daddy's money can buy. It's a V-Tech Nitro for ages 5 and up. It's got an overwhelming 80 programs, so Virg will be spending most of his weekend helping Daddy ramp up. As long as the job doesn't require anything more complicated than counting jumping carrots or learning the alphabet in Spanish, things should work out just great!

And you hit this button if you want the bunny to dance.

Get a haircut you hippie

Once Virg's hair was cut, his super powers were gone. He was then chained to the gumball machines at the front of the Kid Cuts store. But Virg cried out to God to give him the strength to exact his revenge on the hair stylists. With a surge of renewed power Virg toppled the gumball machines sending tasty candy everywhere for all to enjoy. Of course, this happened a few weeks ago and Daddy doesn't have the best memory. History isn't an exact science. But Virg did get a haircut.

OK. So now I'm a hippie with a haircut. Now what?

(click on photo for more exciting pictures of the haircut)